It is one of the most universal post-breakup impulses. The relationship ends, the phone comes out, and, almost without thinking, you check your ex’s social media. Whom are they with? How are they doing? Have they moved on?
For many people, it feels harmless — even helpful — a way to stay informed, to get closure, to steady yourself after an emotional shock.
But, over the past decade, psychological research has painted a less-comforting picture: Repeatedly checking an ex-partner’s social media does not ease heartbreak. In fact, it often keeps heartbreak alive.
“Looking up your ex online — you’re strengthening the brain connections that when should be trying to weaken them,” said Joanne Davila, a clinical psychologist at Stony Brook University in the US state of New York.
What science says about spying on your ex post-breakup
Studies in the field of cyberpsychology and human behavior tend to link “ex-partner surveillance” on social media to poorer emotional recovery after breakups, including higher levels of distress, stronger longing and less personal growth.
“These findings are indicators that individuals haven’t let go,” said Michelle Drouin, a professor of psychology at Purdue University in the US state of Indiana. “That impedes recovery and increases the emotional trauma, or the connection to the past partner.”
Though emotional pain drives people to check on an ex-partner on social media, doing so keeps the emotional pain alive. But it is hard to avoid because humans are wired to seek information, and breakups create an information vacuum.
“The internet is tough for information seekers,” Drouin said. “We’re able to look up anything we want: ‘How’s the past partner doing? Have they moved on?'”
We want this information, Drouin said, but getting it makes it harder for us to move on.
After a breakup, the brain’s “attachment system” gets activated. It’s what happens “when we don’t feel secure,” Davila said. “Looking online could be seen as an attachment behavior,” especially in people who are left behind.
Checking an ex’s profile is like reaching for something or someone familiar when you feel alone and insecure: It might give you temporary relief, but it is unlikely to help with the underlying emotional pain.
Social media creates a ‘dopamine feedback loop’
Social media exploits reward systems in the brain. “You see something new, and that starts a dopamine feedback loop. It feels like you have a little bit of control,” Drouin said.
It could be a new photo, a new location tagged, or a cryptic caption — it delivers a short-lived sense of agency to the brain, and a sense of knowing.
But, left unchecked, it can be like behavior seen in people with anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorders.
“They check and they feel better,” Davila said. “And then, when they feel the same way again, they want to check again.”
Getting caught in a cycle like this can prevent people from working through their emotions. Under stress, people can interpret things in a self-damaging way, reinforcing longing rather than healing, said Davila.
Tips for healthy behavior post-breakup
Relationships rarely end neatly, especially on social media, where personal stories can be left forever unfinished.
So the first thing you should try is to end the story for yourself: Avoid ex-partner surveillance. Don’t keep checking their social media, and allow your old emotional ties to weaken naturally.
Or avoid social media altogether: Drouin recommends temporary digital boundaries. “All of the research suggests that, if you can keep yourself away from social media for 30 days, it’s like a detox,” she said.
Then, try something completely different: “Work out, take a walk, call a friend,” Davila said. Active redirection can help regulate distress.
And “reframe” the loss. “If you’ve broken up, then the relationship wasn’t right for you,” Davila said. A breakup, she added, is not just an ending: It’s “an opportunity to be in a healthy relationship.”
Edited by: Zulfikar Abbany
