Stephen Colbert
The late-night host recapped oral arguments in a U.S. Supreme Court case involving whether Colorado can invoke the Constitution’s insurrection clause to remove Donald Trump from the ballot. “This is a historic, landmark case,” Stephen Colbert said on The Late Show on Thursday. In fact, it’s such a big deal that people line up hours in advance just to get a seat in the viewing gallery. “Although there are obviously people lining up to buy the Apple Vision Pro,” Colbert quipped.
Defending Trump is former Texas Deputy Attorney General Jonathan Mitchell, known as a tough litigator. As one former colleague told Politico: “He had a strong belief in what he believed to be the law.”
“Actually, that’s not the best compliment you can give,” Colbert mused, comparing it to someone saying, “Oh, yeah, this guy is a great surgeon. Doctor. He will definitely remove what he thinks is your appendix.”
In written arguments, Trump’s lawyers focused their hopes on semantics. For example, Mitchell claimed that the Constitution’s insurrection clause only applies to those who swear an oath to “support the Constitution,” but the president’s oath to “preserve, protect and defend” the Constitution does not include the word “support.”
“Now, I’m not a lawyer, but I’m wearing a business suit,” Colbert said. “So I feel qualified to say this is stupid. It’s like saying, ‘Honey, I know I swore an oath till death do us part, but we never said who died. I personally think Queen Elizabeth wants to All it takes is communication between me and my Pilates instructor.”
The lawyers also argue that the Fourteenth Amendment prohibits those involved in insurrection from “holding” public office, but does not prohibit them from running for office. “But the whole point of running for office is to keep it!” Colbert exclaimed. “Unless you’re Nikki Haley — we’re not sure what her point of view is.”
Seth Meyers
On Late Night, Seth Meyers also examines the oral arguments before the Supreme Court, in which a majority of the justices appeared to side with Trump and cast doubt on the decision to remove him from Colorado’s ballot. “This is to be expected because Trump appointed three Supreme Court justices, and the other three were staunch conservatives like Clarence Thomas, even though his wife, Genie Thomas, was played a role in it, but he was somehow still involved in the case.” The January 6 coup attempt. “
Gene Thomas personally begged voters to change their votes and texted Trump’s then-chief of staff Mark Meadows, urging him to overturn the election results.
“Not only should Clarence Thomas recuse himself from this case, but Genie Thomas should also recuse herself from texting on her cell phone,” Meyers said.
As for the hearing itself—“For the most part, the court avoided exploring the real facts of what happened on January 6,” Meyers explained. “The judge seemed unconvinced whether Trump actually participated in the insurrection, even though Trump At one point, the lawyers admitted some eye-opening things.”
That said, the events of Jan. 6 were violent, criminal and wrong — “it was a riot,” Mitchell said. “This is not an insurrection. These incidents are shameful, criminal, violent, all of those things, but they do not qualify as an insurrection.”
“There are signs that Trump is not excited about this kind of controversy,” Meyers said. “It doesn’t quite fit on a baseball cap – ‘shameful, criminal, violent, but still qualifies!'”
jimmy kimmel
In Los Angeles, Jimmy Kimmel broke down Trump’s legal defense. “Those are his two main lines of defense: One, this is not an insurrection. Two, I did not cause an insurrection,” he explained.
Trump spoke at the hearing, blaming Nancy Pelosi for the insurrection attempt. “That’s right, Nancy Pelosi hatched a secret plot to have a bunch of Magga idiots break into her office and shit on her desk,” Kimmel deadpanned.
Trump also claimed that the mob “peacefully and patriotically” attacked the Capitol on Jan. 6 — “and then, yes, his followers tried to peacefully and patriotically kill the Vice President of the United States,” Kimmel said.
In other news, Ted Cruz proposed legislation that would allow lawmakers to get private security escorts and expedited screening at airports. “It looks to me like someone just booked an all-inclusive snorkeling trip to Sandals,” Kimmel laughed.
Cruz believes public officials face serious security threats — “like people taking pictures of you fleeing your state during a blackout so they can get some sun on your big tits, that kind of thing,” Kimmel joked . “I think Ted Cruz is worried that someone will take a picture of him taking off his shoes at security and then everyone will find out he has hooves.
“It’s great that this guy who’s always yelling about people sneaking across the border doesn’t want us to know when he’s sneaking across the border,” he added.
