question Last year I turned 65 – even writing that number seems unbelievable – although I’m grateful to be that old and able to Seeing the merits of life experience, I still Mourning my youth.I spent a lot of money on creams often work secretly Apply more makeup. When I look in the mirror, all I see is ugliness. Recently, I overheard a man calling me a witch. I’m already wearing a size 3 and above. Now I can’t go out except for work. I hurried home. My home was lovely and safe, my three grown children and husband tried to reassure me, but I just sat in silence, helplessly watching.
I did go to the doctor, but she just gave me antidepressants and told me I couldn’t turn back time and should live in the present. I just can’t. I’m even afraid of going on vacation.
Philippa’s answer You can break away from your current mindset, but the process of doing so is unlikely to be passive. There are misogynists in this world. Misogynists see women as a thing, an object, something they want to do, or look like art. Or something to be rejected, scorned, and generally trampled underfoot. The culture of misogyny is so pervasive, yet sometimes so subtle and denied, that it even permeates the minds of girls and women.
An example of misogynistic thinking might be: Unless a woman looks a certain way and fits the mold of a cosmetics advertising model, then what’s the point of her? It’s disgusting, isn’t it? This creeping wave of misogyny would have us believe that unless our skin and body look like we’re 19 or so, we’re not as good as we should be. So what should we do? Buying a miracle cream is not the answer.
Often times, our value systems—our beliefs and personal philosophies about life—are unexamined, but if we examined them, we might change some aspects. So, unravel your value system: lay it all out in front of you and see everything that is told to you, publicly or secretly. Put back only those things that serve you and serve humanity. This won’t be as difficult as you think.
Youth and beauty can be cherished and admired, but that doesn’t mean our worth as humans depends on our appearance. You may have been the epitome of conventional beauty when you were younger, and perhaps you subconsciously have the illusion that this is why your husband married you, or why you are loved. But the beliefs and values you held onto no longer serve you—they may even interfere with maintaining and nurturing your relationships.
Without consciously doing so, you may be associating aspects of your life—your good fortune, your lovely family, your job—with what you believe to be the conventional attractiveness of your past. You seem to equate the inevitability of age (increased wrinkles and weight gain) with a lack of worth. Do you love your daughter just because she retains her beauty? You want to be her, but as she gets older, she changes. Will her soul wither at the same time? Or will she become wiser, more curious about others, more caring, more grateful for her life?
What does your mother feel and talk about her aging process? Were her values something you adopted unconsciously? Do you want to pass them on to the next generation? To heal your sense of self, instead of imagining what others think of you, shift your focus and become curious about them. What makes them tick? What are their concerns? For example, you overhear a man making fun of women to feel better about themselves. Wow! How ugly is his mind!
By clinging to how you appear to others, you are indulging in your paranoia. We have thousands of thoughts every day. When we catch them, they start thinking. But instead of grabbing them, watch them float away. Don’t be the thought, just observe the thought.
The point of an obsession, no matter what it is, is to distract you from something you don’t want to face. Find out what that is and face it.
I’ve said it before and I probably have to say it again: What you say to yourself feels true, but it’s not true, it’s just familiar. You mistake the familiar repetitions of your internal monologue for truth, so when you replace those repetitions with different messages, they feel less real—and the more you practice the new messages, the more they become The more familiar it is, the more real it becomes. Feel. You don’t look any worse than you did when you were 20, you look different.
If you are unable to complete the assignments I have given you, please see a counselor and/or receive antidepressant medication from your doctor.
You Want Everyone You Love to *read* (and maybe a few you don’t) by Philippa Perry is published by Cornerstone, priced £18.99.Buy on GuardianBookshop.com for £16.14
Each week Philippa Perry addresses personal questions from readers. If you would like Philippa’s advice, please send your questions to Askphilippa@guardian.co.uk.Submissions are subject to our Terms and Conditions
