‘S“Love before coffee” is the most common cliche in Scandinavian romantic habits, but it means something different in each country. In Sweden, it’s shorthand for a fairly candid and productive way of dating. Only in Iceland does it literally mean: No matter what happens – whether you drink coffee another day, or have more sex, or move in together, or pretend it never happened – any possible romantic permutation will Start with sex, not dates.
If you’re wondering how this deal got done without any preamble, remember that Iceland’s population is just under 400,000, just a little more than the population of one of London’s largest boroughs. “One thing about Icelandic dating culture is that you’re not really looking for someone because you already know them,” says Völundur, a 26-year-old graphic designer I met at a burger joint in central Reykjavik. .
People talk about the “spider web of the internet” (this is Àstròs, 22, also eating a burger) and everyone is married to someone’s cousin. This creates a side story – Icelanders check an app before sleeping together to make sure they are not related. “I encourage you to give up this idea,” said journalist Jóhannes Bjarkason. “That’s basically a myth, it’s just an online genealogy service.”
I met him in his office in Grapevine, Reykjavík, which is like an Icelandic version of The Dispatch (Wes Anderson’s movie about charming multinationals who run an English-language newspaper and do interesting things all day long). dialogue). Regardless, whichever way you cut it, you’ll rarely try to hook up with a complete stranger.
Secondly – and this may resonate with British readers – dating is not how people get together. Siggi, a 31-year-old carpenter, describes how his first relationship started: “In typical Icelandic fashion: we met in a bar, we got very drunk and then made out. It turned into a wonderful thing night. Let’s see if it works.
Don’t mistake this for commitment phobia: it can go far, and fast. “In Iceland, they often moved in together,” said Iryna Zubenko, 30, from Ukraine. “You wake up in someone’s bed and decide to continue living with them.”
Even then, they wouldn’t go out on a date. Siggy’s relationship with his Polish girlfriend was so serious that they were about to buy an apartment together until their first wedding anniversary when they walked into a restaurant.
“Remember,” he said, “asking someone here on a date means you’re going broke. So you have to be pretty sure this is the one. (Oh my gosh, Iceland is expensive. I had to buy a swimsuit in a hurry because Icelanders instead One of the things to do on a date was go to the swimming pool. There was only one charity shop open and there was a second hand bikini. Twenty-seven pounds.)
Irina said, “It’s normal to have a bunch of kids and different partners. Sometimes you hook up, and then it happens again, and then they ask you out for a drink, and then they add you on Instagram , and then it was like, ‘Oh, you’re a year old baby.'”
“Having a baby in Iceland,” interjects her colleague Baldur Þórhallsson, “is always seen as a joyful event. It doesn’t matter whether you’re single or in a relationship; it’s not a career-ending thing, not even that. Career-Hindering Things This is a happy situation.
When it comes to sex: “No one here thinks it’s a sacred thing that can only be had with the person you’re about to marry,” says Astros. When it comes to sex, Iceland has always been an outlier – they start having sex at a younger age (15.7 years, compared with the global average of 17.7 years), they have more partners (12.4 years, compared with the global average of 10.5 years), and they have more people (71 %) said they had had one-night stands (only in Vietnam was this proportion higher, at 75%). This data all comes from Durex’s global surveys from the early 2000s: Iceland was left out of the sample in the early 2010s, perhaps because they kept winning everything, but the data doesn’t stop at the rates of chlamydia, as chlamydia is affectionately called is the chlamydial infection rate. Case numbers are astronomical across Scandinavia, with Iceland topping the list for most of this century (although Denmark has seen an increase in cases since 2018).
The culture of tolerance around sex is distinguished by its equality—”Here, you don’t really get catcalls in the street,” Astros said. “We are respected as human beings. We are not treated like a piece of meat.” Her friend Jóhanna, 23, again attributes this partly to the size of the country: “If someone did that, we would say, ‘ I know you. I know your mother. Rights association sues Icelandair over equal rights laws The company successfully defended itself because the ad was aimed at British people and we are pigs).
Iceland is one of only two countries (the other is Japan) with a penis museum, which distills the pragmatism about the body (check out this giant sperm whale penis, interesting, isn’t it?), and this idiosyncrasy self-awareness. Not lascivious is their characteristic. Heiðrún Anna Björnsdóttir, 51, a singer who lives in London and Reykjavik, told me: Of course, no one is dating, but if ” You see someone you like in a pub or bar and sometimes people say, ‘Can we do that next time?’ In what universe would that be relaxing? (pseudonym), recently divorced, dismissed the issue: “I’ve been to the pool twice and my approach is, take it or leave it. If you don’t like what you see, let’s not go any further.
By the way, Heiðrún was actually Miss Iceland at the 1993 International Travel Awards.
I went to the Sundhöll Baths for a not-quite second date, and the first person I met, 49-year-old Ásta Sól Kristjánsdóttir, was with her current boyfriend. “He’s Czech,” Asta said, “and he doesn’t like swimming. So he’s not comfortable with it. Doesn’t that stop her? “He should have said that. Compared to a lot of people, our bodies have definitely I’m used to it. We take a shower together naked.
I’m a very modest person and I like to take my bra off the sleeves and put my bathing suit on. Then I had to bathe naked next to Astha. I did not expect. “For Icelanders, going to the pool is like breathing,” said Goser, a 47-year-old waiter. The last Prime Minister Katrin Jakobsdottir held meetings here. “You see old guys looking at young chicks,” Asta said. “But that’s what we all do. Let’s see, shall we?”
But it’s not just that lack of body shame has led to more casual sex and eliminated the need for dating culture. Jón Trausti Sigurðarson, 42, publisher of Grapevine, explains: “There is no history of bourgeois life in Iceland. Courtship, going to institutions, restaurants, these are recent things. There was no dating culture in an agricultural society, And our urban culture hasn’t been around long enough to take hold. We still do our own plumbing. It’s kind of like hiring a plumber, you just don’t do it.
Sigurðarson has lived in Sweden for 10 years. “You can’t compare Iceland to a culture of 10 million people. Sweden is like a warm-blooded mammal, like a cow, with blood and four stomachs. Iceland is more like an insect, with food, excrement and oxygen.” Use the same hole. I love this country.
Likewise, patriarchy never had a chance to fit in. Everyone carries as much weight as they can handle. There was no ideal of a stay-at-home mother like there was in the Victorian era or in the United States in the 1950s. There was a famous women’s strike in 1975 – known as “Long Friday” because men had to take care of their kids, haha - and the idea has taken off ever since. Within five years, they welcomed the world’s first female president: Vigdís Finnbogadóttir. In 1983, the shortlist for the Icelandic parliamentary elections was all women, and the feminist party Women’s League won the first seats. In 2000, paid paternity leave came, and in 2010, female Prime Minister Jóhanna Sigurðardóttir took office, the first openly gay head of government in the world.
“We’re more equal between the genders, we’re more forward-thinking on LGBTQ issues,” said Magnea, 25, manager of Bar 22 and Kiki, the gay bar above it downtown. “And let me wait a minute. She said: Google Iceland to abolish laws against same-sex relationships; She thought it would be a fun date. yes. 1940. “While the rest of the world is busy fighting wars.”
But I’m afraid there is a but. In a country where everyone knows everyone and often takes off their clothes, being young is better than not being young at all. Hedren said that for her divorced friends, the romantic scene looks a little different: “That’s really hard. They’re all thinking, ‘Who is here that I don’t know?’ “They may just want friends with benefits, but everyone is someone else’s ex.”
Gudrun describes the hookup pool as “ten people. One of them is your nephew. Another one, you went to school with.” She also casts doubt on the purported gender equality. “There’s another side to this coin,” she said Said, “Sometimes some of us talk about this without anyone listening. Yes, we have the first female president, but women and their role in the family, it’s very outdated, at least when it comes to When you are 50 years old.
The available men in this category “are either severely insane, alcoholic or drug addicted, or have been deported for some minor offense. So what’s left in this small pool? Remove the guys who were previously married to your best friends , “You’re talking about five people.”
Even when you’re young, it’s not easy, said friend Margaret, 23, of Astros. “Because I’m gay, it’s a smaller pond. When my first relationship ended, it was hard to find someone who didn’t know her. The most common date in Iceland was to drive to the fjords and eat ice cream. If we Driving around Reykjavik, Brazil, a reality star and rapper, describes a surveillance culture that would drive many of us crazy. Your reputation will go bad quickly, and then no one will want to date you. “
Astros added to Margaret’s point: “We say we are straightforward, but I wonder if we really communicate. People sleep together, don’t talk, and then nothing happens. When you don’t do anything It’s difficult to reach the next level.
Isar and Inga, both 26, were the only couple I met. They met in school and have been together for seven and a half years. “We are very liberal as a country,” Isar said. “Sex is no big deal. But maybe if it’s no big deal, it won’t work. Everyone’s in ‘meetings’; no relationships; no going out; ‘We don’t give It’s labeled”; and then it disappears. “It’s so casual,” Inga said, “it’s biting its own tail.” But like couples everywhere, they believe that each person’s highest value is to be a couple. “I wasn’t looking for anything but to go downtown,” Margaret said. “Afterwards, if they want to go get coffee, I get really angry. Because that’s a misunderstanding of what we do.
